Why Women Need to be Banned from Congress… and Everywhere Else

Why Women Need to be Banned from Congress, and Everywhere Else

So you may have thought that the Republicans were doing quite enough to make American women’s lives completely miserable just in their failed-but-will-keep-trying healthcare bill, that defunding Planned Parenthood for one year, puts coverage for silly niche things such as post-partum depression (which affects one in nine women) in jeopardy, and making pregnancy a pre-existing condition.

Well, we should never underestimate the Republicans’ multitasking abilities when it comes to treating women like sexualixed chattel. Picture this: On the very day the House voted on the GOP’s nasty healthcare bill, a female journalist, Haley Byrd, was kicked out of the speaker’s lobby, the area outside the House of Representatives where journalists often do interviews, because she was wearing a sleeveless dress. Meanwhile, another female was refused entry to the speaker’s lobby because her disgusting, whoreish, irresistibly tempting shoulders were on display. In order to try to do her job, this journalist ripped pages out of her notebook and stuffed them around the armholes of her dress so as to cover her slutty upper arms, but this was still deemed “unacceptable.”Be gone with you, slutty reporter!

So first, let’s get a couple of things straight: Yes, there has always been a House dress code, which states, rather vaguely, that people should dress “appropriately.” What this means is left up to the House speaker. Step forward, Paul Ryan! And yes, these rules have existed for over a decade, predating former speaker Nancy Pelosi. However, Byrd said officers on patrol have been “cracking down on the dress code” recently.

“I suspect the rules are being emphazised now that it’s summertime and excruciatingly hot outside and everyone is dressing for the weather,” she added. So this is about how much Republicans hate women and how much they hate journalists. Gosh, killing two birds with one stone is fun. Indeed, Ryan recently took time out from his busy schedule of being a spineless Trump apologist to remind Congress of the importance of “appropriate business attire”  not bothering to explain (a) what this means, (b) why he’s so scared of shoulders and (c) why it’s totally appropriate for, say, Kellyanne Conway and Ivanka Trump to wear sleeveless dresses – their favorite style incidentally – and still be, respectively, counselor to the president and apparent president-in-waiting.

It is no surprise that this administration should find women’s shoulders so terrifyingly unacceptable. After all, the vice-president finds just having a meal with a woman who is not his wife too much of a temptation (no word on whether the hypothetical woman in this scenario is similarly tempted).

Republicans see women as uncontrollable, brain-dead sexual temptresses who, for the good of the helpless men around them, need to be kept far away from things such as birth control and abortion. Otherwise they’ll become nymphomaniacs, popping five morning-after pills before breakfast and getting an abortion after lunch. And it all starts with the shoulders, you see. They’re just saving us ladies from ourselves! And them!

Of course, some people (men) have tried to defend this banning of lady shoulders by saying that male lobby journalists have to wear suits and ties. That is such an excellent point – except that sleeveless dresses and open-toe shoes for women are generally considered acceptable office wear by offices that are not in Saudi Arabia.

It is also worth reminding ourselves that this administration is under the presidency of a man called Donald J Trump. You may have heard of him? You know, the guy who bragged about grabbing women’s vaginas (presumably they flaunted their shoulders at him); who said his oldest daughter has “the best body” (stop flashing your shoulders at your father, Ivanka!); who for years cheated on his first wife (maybe Ivana didn’t show her shoulders enough?). But remember, it’s the women who need to be controlled here.

So, even though walking-Viagra-pill Trump, woman-shunning Mike Pence and shoulder-phobic Ryan often act like raging misogynists, clearly the problem is they just love women too much. They can’t trust themselves around them – that’s how much they love women. In fact, I don’t think this rule goes far enough: Ryan should ban women from being seen in public, and all menstruating women should be sent to caves – those bleeding, irresistible temptresses – until they are clean again for their husband’s consumption.

Clearly this is the only way Ryan and his fellow walking boners can cope, given they only need to see a clavicle to start rubbing their thighs.

We say, ban women from entering the country or leaving the home! Only then will the United States be safe.